Can I tell you all how crazy we have been lately?! It’s a good crazy, but crazy. Jack randomly got a fever on Sunday which continued through the night so he didn’t go to school Monday. By late afternoon Monday he was feeling better and he is totally back to normal as of today. I have no clue why he had a fever and of course it is driving me nuts with the thoughts of why…but more about that later. Today was a good day..I had a wonderful meeting about the Foundation and our actions about moving forward and it makes me really excited. I love that we will be able to make a difference in the cancer world. Jack will go back to school tomorrow and he is so excited. He loves school. Really, he loves it. Nikki and I have our last dress fittings before her wedding and that is VERY exciting!! Thursday Jack and I will be at PCH for the KTAR Radiothon so be sure to listen around noon to hear us!! Anything we can do to support PCH, we will do it! Again, Jack will be doing another urine test as well as a blood draw for his endocrinology appointment in October so hopefully all of that will go well. Come Friday, our friends at Yogurtoloy in Glendale will be doing a fundraiser for the foundation!! 20% of all sales that day will go to the foundation! How great is that?! Thank you Angie for stepping up and wanting to help make a difference!!
Tonight I read Jack a book and held his hand as he fell asleep and of course said my prayers that I say ever night as I watch him sleep…”Dear God…thank you so very much for all that you have given me. Thank you for my 2 wonderful boys and my husband. Thank you for my family and friends. Thank you so very much for helping us get through the hard times when Jack was going through treatment and if You have anything to do with Jack being cancer free now…I owe you an even bigger thank you. Please, oh please, keep my kids healthy. Please keep Jack cancer free and help us keep moving forward. I cannot lose my child. Please don’t ever let them go before me….please, please, please. Also…say a big hello to my Grandpa and to Zac’s Mom…I know they are standing right there with you as I say these prayers…I know they have had a hand in all of this…tell them thanks too!!” Honestly, this is what I say every night as I lay next to Jack and watch him fall asleep.
I wonder if other moms are like me…even non cancer moms. I wonder if I am over paranoid now or if I am just a “normal” mom. This is what I think on a daily basis…
Braden wakes up in the morning and is always happy and I go to pick him up and think “my gosh…how in the world is he so happy at this hour? He must know more than me. So happy he is so happy because that is what I live for. I can’t believe I missed out on so much of his life. He was just an infant and now he is practically a toddler. Where has the time gone?”
Jack wakes up and comes walking down the stairs and I think, “Oh, thank God he is here today…thank God he has made it so far. Does his eye look funny? No, I am sure it’s fine. Oh wait…is he limping?? No, he can’t be. Maybe his leg feel asleep while he was sleeping. I know that happens to me. No, he is walking fine. I don’t know why I was thinking he was limping.” Jack says, “mom, my tummy hurts” I think, “oh no…is a tumor growing in his stomach? I wonder if I press on his stomach if I will feel anything? I am sure he just has to go potty or else he just is saying that because he doesn’t want to eat all of his breakfast.” Jack says, “hahaha, just kidding Mom! I feel FINE!” I think, “oh great…now he thinks its funny to make me worry!”
I could go on and on about how many different thoughts go through my head but I really think you might all think I am totally nuts. I wonder if I will ever stop worrying. I wonder if I will calm down just a tad…it would be nice, but I doubt it will happen and really, that’s ok. I like to be a step ahead of the game so being worried is just making that come true more often, right?!
Here’s the thing…life will never be normal again and that’s ok. I can’t go back and I have accepted that. If I could, none of this would have happened to my kids. I will forever be the mother that will be worried and will probably be the mom that walks Jack to the door of a friends house when he is 14 to make sure the mom is really home. I am sure I will drive the boys nuts and they also applies to my husband, but it is what it is. That is what I have learned…it is what it is and since I can’t change the past, I can work on making the future that much better. I have said this quote before and I love it…”It matters not what road we take but rather what we become on the journey.” I have become a super paranoid mom and I love it. I have become a mom that will fight for my kids and my family until my last breath. I have become a mom that knows what I want and I won’t settle for anything less. Not so bad…