It has been awhile since I have done a post about something other than the event that we were putting on, and not that there is anything wrong with that, but I have been struggling with what I actually want to say.  I am sure you don’t really care to hear about our daily life activities so there hasn’t really been a need to write about much but, I feel like I have learned so much in the past few weeks that it would take an entire novel to get it all out.  So instead of telling you what I ate for breakfast, I will start with this…

The other day I was home playing with Jack and Braden and were were having a total tickle match.  This consists of Jack “tickling” which really feels more like scratches from a cat but you can’t help but laugh instead of howl in pain!  Braden runs at you with his little fingers yelling “tikle, tikle, tikle” and laughs so darn hard.  I had Braden on his back tickling his tummy while Jack was jumping on my back laughing so hard and I had a moment when I was smiling and just looked and listened.  I looked into Braden’s eyes…I mean, really looked and stared and to cry.  He is so happy.  So innocent.  So “not damaged” by the lack of precesnse that Zac and I had in his first year and a half of life.  I looked in to his eyes and felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me.  Believe me, I have looked at his big blue eyes many times in the past 2 years and soaked them up, but this time was different.  There is so much behind the eyes of a 2 year old.  So much to learn and so much wonder.  It is as if you can try to catch a gimpse of his future and wonder what those eyes will look like when they are 30.  In that 30 seconds I listened…just listened to Jack and his voice and his laugh.  I thought for that split second, “What in the hell would I do if I never heard that again?  Would I be in a nut house?  Would I be lying in bed?  What would I do if it was only me and Braden playing the tickle game and there wasn’t Jack jumping on my back?  I can’t believe it has been 2 years…only 2 years since the Devil knocked at our door and just listen to how great he is.”  I know…a bit intense for a 30 second span, but it is the truth.  If you are a parent, have you ever really looked in to your childs’ eyes…really looked?  Have you ever soaked up the laughter like it was the last time you would ever hear it?  I am not sure if this comes because I have had a glimpse of what it would be like if I never saw those eyes again or heard that laughter, but I know that I will never forget either one of them.

I got an email last night from someone who is so important in our lives.  I am sure some of you can pick up on who it is, but this person wrote me and told me that we are doing is “so much to spread awareness and that it is huge in his opinion.”  He told me that he was thankful to be invited to the event and he had such a great time.  His support means the world to us and his opinion means even more.  As I drove Jack to school this morning I replayed the email in my head.  I replayed Jack’s laughter and I thought about Braden’s eyes.  I have never been so sure of what I was brought here to do in my entire life.  Going through high school and college you are always asked, “What do you want to do?  What job do you want?  What do you want to be?”  I never really knew and now I know why.

Tags: calling, childhood cancer, determined, future, inspiration, Jack Morton, Jack Morton Foundation, Neuroblastoma blog

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