My mind feels so cloudy today. I cannot stop thinking of Ava and her parents and brother. I cannot stop thinking about how they are feeling today when they woke up this morning, or if they even slept last night. I think of Jack and how lucky we are that he is here and doing so well and in a way I feel guilty. I do not feel guilty that he is alive and I do not feel guilty that he is here and healthy. I feel guilty because Ava is gone and for some reason Neuroblastoma took her life and not Jacks. Survivors guilt. It sucks. I am sure it is nowhere in comparison to what Ava’s family is feeling, but it sucks. Your heart hurts for their family. Your heart hurts for Ava and that she had to go through so much in her short life that was just pure hell. My heart hurts for her doctors that tried so hard to do everything they could to cure her of this awful disease and it didn’t work because I know they are at home tonight thinking of her. Her mom said in her post “Ava did not lose to cancer” and I can imagine that was something that she decided a long time ago. Ava was a fighter. Through the posts that her family wrote, you could see that this little girl had a heart of gold and was so determined. Her body just didn’t agree. Why Ava? Why Ben? Why Jake? Why Ronan? Like Jack said, “Why do all my friends from the hospital go to heaven?” How do you answer that? You can’t. There is not a reason why the treatment works for some and not others. It is not because “Jack is supposed to be someone”…so does that mean these other beautiful kids weren’t? I don’t think so. ”Everything happens for a reason.” Tell that to the parents of these 4 kids. I don’t believe that either. ”God only gives you what you can handle” So does that mean that I would go in a looney bin if Jack didn’t make it through treatment and these parents won’t? I don’t think so. I probably would go in to a looney bin, no doubt, but that doesn’t mean that I am given any less heartache because of it. I can guarantee you that these parents, among so many other, feel like like they could check in the looney bin at times too and often wonder, “Why did he do well and my child didn’t?” I know that because I have felt the effects of it. Some parents that I thought I would always have a friendship with have shunned me because they lost their child. I understand that in a way but it also hurts…survivor guilt.
It is times like these…times when we have to accept the fact that yet another innocent child has died because of cancer that makes you wonder all of this and it is ok to actually say it out loud. I think of all of these things often but I usually chose to keep them to myself. I think of the other children we have met and that are doing great…McKenna, Cameron, Olivia, Braden…and so many others. I think of Alex who has hit a few bumps in the road but him and his family continue to fight so hard and keep that faith that he will win. I think of those who will be diagnosed this year and what new treatments will be available to them that weren’t available to Jack and if that will make a difference in the future. Would timing have changed the outcome of the kids who were robbed of their childhoood? How is that fair? It simply isn’t. It isn’t fair that any of these children were diagnosed with cancer. It isn’t fair for any child to be diagnosed with any sort of disease….period. I think of this and want to do more. I know I go on and invite you all to benefits and fundraisers over and over again. I constantly ask for help (which I never would have done in my past life…past as in “before cancer”) I ask you all because you all are the ones who can save these kids. The doctors that we have come in contact with are in this profession because they want to save lives. They do not want to sit back and watch children die. The problem is that they have no funding, so who do the depend on….us.
So I will continue to ask for your help and continue to invite you to fundraisers because I need you. We as a family need you. The children who have been diagnosed need you and those who will be diagnosed in the future need you. If you can, at any time, help…please do. I am not a person who will accept the word “No” so you bet your ass I will keep asking until I get a “Yes”
Tags: angry, Ava Holder, bet your ass, cancer sucks, childhood cancer, determination, fighter, fundraising, heart hurts, Jack Morton Foundation, Neuroblastoma, Neuroblastoma blog, Phoenix Childrens Hospital, Ronan Thompson, Stage IV Neuroblastoma, strength in numbers, the need for help, why