Everything was going great today…Jack woke up without having a fever and slept very well last night.  He ate well today, had energy, and never spiked a fever…until late tonight.  He threw up after dinner and up popped a fever of 101.5.  He is now sleeping next to me and his fever has gone down to 100.5 without medication…and this is a good thing.  The spike in the fever could be due to a million things…he got sick to his stomach, he was eating, it’s night time, he still has a head cold and cough…there is a million different reasons why this is happening but I am going to need to figure out why so we are heading to PCH tomorrow.  We will be getting a CBC as well as a blood panel done.  I may, and truly hope with all that is in me, that I am overreacting and that he just has a virus but I can’t go in to another day with the wonder of what in the hell is going on in his little body.  Something is off…it cold be the cold, but something isn’t ok.  I want nothing more than to be the crazy mom who worries far too much and have everything be ok with Jack.

I told a friend today that I saw this quote and it’s so very true:

“There are moments which mark your life.  Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts, before this, and after this.”

This is very true.  The moment Jack was diagnosed, my entire world was changed forever.  The way I act, think, react, feel, love, rationalize, the way I appreciate the little things (and the big things), the mission I have in life, the drive I have…everything has changed.   It took a moment.  A single moment to redirect my entire life….not only mine, but my families and many of my friends.  Things change and one of the small things that changed is the way I look at illness with my kids.  It freaks me out.  Freaks the living crap out of me.  It may not be what is “normal” but it is what is our life now and what it probably will be until my kids are grown men and have kids of their own.  I feel sorry for their future wives…I am on record now saying that I am sorry but I will be “that” mother-in-law.  My kids are my life…they are Zac’s life…we couldn’t live without them.

So, please….send your prayers, positive thoughts, energy, fairies, spells…whatever you wish…send all the good thoughts towards Jack.  Hopefully this is just a funky virus that he is having  hard time shaking.  Whatever it is, we will figure it out and we will get rid of it.  It’s what he does…it’s Jack.

We are putting in an order on Tuesday of next week so please let us know what sizes you want!!  All you have to do is click on the “Donate” tab and donate for the amount of shirts you want.  $20 for adults and $15 for children.  Don’t forget to add a note of what sizes you want!!  Please email me with any questions!

lmorton@thejackmortfoundation.org

How handsome is Jack in his shirt!  He was so proud to wear his today!

It’s been awhile since I have had a post and I have been jotting down things to write about but it all went to hell when Jack gave me a reality check tonight at bed time.  We just got done reading “Warrior Baby” by Shannon Laffoon and he told me he loved the book and put it in a special spot on his bookcase.  He said, “I know just where to put this one….” and off he went.  I asked him if he liked the book and he said he really did and wanted to know more about Wylder and his dog Maddie.  We talked for a bit and then turned off the lights.  He lined up his “guys”…Norbert, Tiger, Bunny, Mario, and Luigi in the correct order and then put his head on his pillow with a smile.  I asked if we should do our prayers now and of course he said yes.  We thanked God for our family and friends.  We thanked God for our health, the food on our table, and the roof over our head.  We asked God to protect our family as he has been…not just us, but our aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents…everyone.  We asked God to help the kids at the hospital that were hurting…to somehow take away their pain and give them hope.  After we were done with our normal prayers, I asked Jack if there was anything he wanted to say and he said…

“Am I allowed to thank God for my toys?”

I told him of course he was…

He said, “Thank you for my toys, my mom, my dad, my brother, my family, my friends…”

I asked him if he wanted to thank God for anything else like “No more…”

And Jack said, “Cancer?”

I said, “Yes, do you want to thank God for no more cancer and to ask him to keep it away forever?”

Jack said, “I already do.”

Me, “Oh…you do?  When?  Every night”

Jack, “pretty much…I always ask for that.”

Oh.  Ok.  Really?  My 5 year old asks God for no more cancer every night on his own, by himself, before bed…Wow.

I am not sure if I should be screaming with pride that my 5 year old would do such a thing or sick to my stomach that he is even thinking of such a thing.  This is what I am going to go with…

I am proud of him.  I am so very proud of him.  When I was asked what gave me the strength to get through the months of treatment that he went though, I said Jack is what got me through. He gave me strength.  He gave me power.  He should be the one getting strength from me and Zac, but he is the one who was doing it.  He knew from the beginning that hew as going to fight and he did.  He knew when he was 2 1/2 that he was going to be ok, because he told me.  He took my face in his tiny little hands and told me, “I am ok.” I believed him and that is what powered me through.  I think he has a connection with others that we don’t have.  Maybe it’s my Grandpa…maybe isn’t his Nanna Lou…I am not sure what it is, but he is wise.  I am a planner, but he plans it out before me and doesn’t even tell me.  He continues to go on with his little life like nothing has happened to him because he knows that every second counts.  Sounds a bit much for a 5 year old…maybe so, but it’s honestly the truth.  He got up every single day through treatment and kept on pushing.  Continued fighting.  Continued loving his life while he was going through hell.  He is my inspiration.  He is my strength.  He is my reason to fight and my reason to never give up.  He prays for no more cancer at night while he is falling asleep.  He is my hero.

First off, the pee sample transfer was a success.  Scott joined me on my adventure to drop Jack off at school, get a sample in the parking lot (without the other parents thinking I was a total freak), and then taking it to PCH Mesa on ice.  Fun times.  Jack didn’t want to pee so that made it a bit difficult, but he did, barely.  Jack want off to school and we made our way to PCH.  I met the nurse that Dr Eshun would only allow me to hand the sample to, Sasha, and she confirmed that it would take about a week to get result.  Ugghhh.  Funny how totally nervous a VOLUNTARY urine sample test can make you.  Really, a week?  Do they not know I am totally neurotic and want to know results NOW?  Zac is always very confident with all of Jack’s tests and scans and that makes me feel better, but there is always a “what if” in the back of my mind.  Looking forward to Ehsun calling this week!

That was Thursday….Friday came and hit me as if I was punched in the stomach.  This happens every now an then.  All of the emotions from the past couple of years come flooding in and are pretty much uncontrollable.  I woke up and my first reaction was, “Cancer.  Really?  Did Jack really have cancer?  The big C.  The awful disease that you only hear about with adults.  Did Jack REALLY have that?  Are we still in fear of it coming back?  No way.”  I pushed my negative thoughts, really all my thoughts, out of my head and got the kids ready for the day.  Braden and I took Jackers to school and he was a bit hesitant to get out of the car today in the drop off.  He gets like this at times when there is someone new.  He is very shy with new adults and I get that.  The male teacher helped him out of the car and Jack was a bit nervous out it.  He looked at me and I told him to go ahead, have a great day, I love him very much, and I will see him when he gets out.  The male teacher said, “Well, someones not a morning person is he.”  I know he meant it with no harm at all.  It was a total innocent comment and if I wasn’t over thinking, I would have laughed.  Instead I just put on my fake smile and as I drove away I thought, “No idiot, he is shy because he has been through hell and happens to get a little nervous around new adults.  I know you may think it’s not normal for a 5 year old to be so hessigant, but he is.  Give him a break.”  I know, totally over the top!

I came home with Braden and we got busy doing our normal playing and day to day activities and all the negative toughts started piling up.  I just sat down and starrted to cry while Braden started buiding a train track.  At that moment I got a text from Stacey asking if we wanted to BBQ that night…good timing.  A minute later I got a text from Scott asking the same thing but he threw in a pretty funny joke at the end of it.  About 10 mintues later, I got a call from Nikki because she had to run to the store and that meant she took a break from work so she wanted to say hi.  They had no idea how I was feeling ( I eneded up telling Stacey) but I just thought it was funny that when I was feeling pretty low and that it is really hard to talk to anyone aobut it, my family starts ringing in.  We decided that Saturday we were all doing go to up to an indoor carnival that was being put on by The Children’s Miracle Network for PCH and I am so glad that we did.  We all piled in our car and off we went.  It was fun to get out with the kids and do something different.  It was a break in the same ol’ routine.

Well it has taken me way to long to get the post up.  It’s now Monday morning and I have been writing this since Thursday!  It just shows you that there is not enough time in the day to get everything done that I need to get done.  I have promised myself that I am not going to let the stress of waiting for the call from Dr Eshun get to me this week.  We’ll see how that goes!!

Jack is almost done with his first week of Kindergarten and he is absolutely loving it.  He comes home in a great mood, shows me some things he has learned, sings songs, does sign language and chats about the kids in his class.  He is still not thrilled that they haven’t played many games yet, but I am trying to make him undertand that the beginning is to learn the rules and get into a routine and I promise there will be a time for games.  I recieved a note from the teacher yesterday letting me know that Jack is doing really well and isn’t shy at all (which was my main concern since he is shy when he dosen’t know anyone) and that he is doing wonderful and participates in everything.  This made me feel so good and, of course, so proud.  He brought home some worksheets they did today and he asked, “Are you proud of my work?” I told him, “Of course I am!  I am so proud of you!” With that he said that he was happy to hear that.  I asked if he was proud of himself and he said, “Yeah, I am.  I am really proud.” I told him that is even more important because if you are proud of yourself then you are doing something right.  He is such and old soul.

Speaking of old souls…my Grandpa passed away 10 years ago and if you knew my Grandpa, you LOVED him.  He was so happy, so positive, so completly everything.  Even in the last few days of his time here, we would ask him how he was doing and his reply was, “I never had it so good.”  There are many times, even before Jack was sick, that I would wonder if he was watching.  If he knows all that has gone on.  If he is proud.  If he watches over our family.  The other night I had a dream and it was all too real.  It was one of those dreams that you think about for weeks and truly believe it was true.  My mom says that sometimes God talks to you through your dreams and that is exactly what I am hoping.  To make it a short story I had a dream that my Grandma was coming to visit us with her old friend from Texas.  When Nikki and I opened the door to see her, she was laughing and telling a story and standing right next to her, smiling and laughing, was my Grandpa.  It took my breath away.  I told my sister that he was there and she said, “ummm, no…he’s not.”  I was so confused in this dream.  As the rest of the family came over I asked if anyone saw him and they all said no.  I asked him if he could see me and talk to me and he said yes.  I asked if he was always happy and always by my Grandma watching her and he told me, “I am ALWAYS with your Grandma.  Always.”  I asked if he knew about Jack and knew of all we had been through and he said, ” I know about it all.  I have been here the whole time.”  At that point Jack sat on his lap and my Grandpa made him laugh as if he was still here.  I woke up so many times with tears running down my face and kept falling back asleep with my dream picking up where it left off.  I woke up wondering if this really happened, but obviously I knew it was a dream.  I really hope this was God’s way of letting my Grandpa talk to me…

This week the kids and I have been listing to music a lot when they are home and keeping the TV off…especially during dinner.  The past few nights they will hear a song that they “LOVE” and Braden asks if we can dance…so that is what we do.  We get up, dance our butts off, and then get back to dinner.  They are a sweaty mess and full of way too much energy to stay seated during the rest of dinner, but they had fun.  They had me letting go and just truly having fun with them.  Have you done that lately?  Just let it all go and had fun for a minute?  Try it…I promise you won’t regret it.