The past 5 months have flown by and we got the call today to schedule Jack for his scans next month. It will have been 6 months since his last scan and that seams like an eternity. After my meeting at PCH the other day, Dr Eshun called and told me that he was sending in the scan requests and he wanted to talk about them. The protocol that Jack is on only calls for a CT scan of his original tumor site for his year and a half post treatment scan and also for his 2 year scans that will be in May. It does not call for a MIBG scan…the scan of his entire body that makes any active Neuroblastoma light up. This scan is the scan that we really depend on so to hear Dr Eshun say that we really aren’t supposed to get it made me feel a big uneasy. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that and he said he knew I wouldn’t be. He agreed that we should do the MIBG this time with the CT and then maybe just do the CT for his 2 year with no MIBG so that is what we are doing. He also shared the news with us that after his 2 year scan in May, Jack is done with scans unless he starts showing symptoms. Done with scans. Oh boy…
I know there will be a time when we would have to come to grips with the fact that Jack will not be getting scans but I am not ready yet. I have said many times over that if I could have a scan machine in my house, and there was no damaging radiation given off form the scans, I would scan him every morning and every night. Scans give you the security you need. Scans keep your hope up because you can physically touch them and see that there is no cancer. I like facts. I like to have proven eveidence in front of me so I can really believe it. I live off of hope, faith, love, prayer…but there is nothing better than evidence in hand.
So now it begins. Scanxiety. The constant fear of “what if’s” start flooding in. The sleepless nights, the nightmares when you do fall asleep, the sudden need to sit in the shower and cry so no one knows you are doing so, the panic….it all starts happening now and will continue until we get that call and hear Dr Eshuns’ voice saying, “I’ve got good news for you!” followed by a small laugh when he asks, “What are you worried about…it’s Jack!” Believe me, he knows we worry and he worries to. Can you imagine what it feels like for him every time a patient is up for scans? He worries like we do…another reason why he’s a great doctor.
Don’t get me wrong…we are staying positive. Jack is doing so well and we believe his scans will be clear. They have to be. So keep Jack in your thoughts and prayers over the next month. His scans will be November 6th and 7th with our appointment with Dr Eshun on the 8th.