First off, the pee sample transfer was a success.  Scott joined me on my adventure to drop Jack off at school, get a sample in the parking lot (without the other parents thinking I was a total freak), and then taking it to PCH Mesa on ice.  Fun times.  Jack didn’t want to pee so that made it a bit difficult, but he did, barely.  Jack want off to school and we made our way to PCH.  I met the nurse that Dr Eshun would only allow me to hand the sample to, Sasha, and she confirmed that it would take about a week to get result.  Ugghhh.  Funny how totally nervous a VOLUNTARY urine sample test can make you.  Really, a week?  Do they not know I am totally neurotic and want to know results NOW?  Zac is always very confident with all of Jack’s tests and scans and that makes me feel better, but there is always a “what if” in the back of my mind.  Looking forward to Ehsun calling this week!

That was Thursday….Friday came and hit me as if I was punched in the stomach.  This happens every now an then.  All of the emotions from the past couple of years come flooding in and are pretty much uncontrollable.  I woke up and my first reaction was, “Cancer.  Really?  Did Jack really have cancer?  The big C.  The awful disease that you only hear about with adults.  Did Jack REALLY have that?  Are we still in fear of it coming back?  No way.”  I pushed my negative thoughts, really all my thoughts, out of my head and got the kids ready for the day.  Braden and I took Jackers to school and he was a bit hesitant to get out of the car today in the drop off.  He gets like this at times when there is someone new.  He is very shy with new adults and I get that.  The male teacher helped him out of the car and Jack was a bit nervous out it.  He looked at me and I told him to go ahead, have a great day, I love him very much, and I will see him when he gets out.  The male teacher said, “Well, someones not a morning person is he.”  I know he meant it with no harm at all.  It was a total innocent comment and if I wasn’t over thinking, I would have laughed.  Instead I just put on my fake smile and as I drove away I thought, “No idiot, he is shy because he has been through hell and happens to get a little nervous around new adults.  I know you may think it’s not normal for a 5 year old to be so hessigant, but he is.  Give him a break.”  I know, totally over the top!

I came home with Braden and we got busy doing our normal playing and day to day activities and all the negative toughts started piling up.  I just sat down and starrted to cry while Braden started buiding a train track.  At that moment I got a text from Stacey asking if we wanted to BBQ that night…good timing.  A minute later I got a text from Scott asking the same thing but he threw in a pretty funny joke at the end of it.  About 10 mintues later, I got a call from Nikki because she had to run to the store and that meant she took a break from work so she wanted to say hi.  They had no idea how I was feeling ( I eneded up telling Stacey) but I just thought it was funny that when I was feeling pretty low and that it is really hard to talk to anyone aobut it, my family starts ringing in.  We decided that Saturday we were all doing go to up to an indoor carnival that was being put on by The Children’s Miracle Network for PCH and I am so glad that we did.  We all piled in our car and off we went.  It was fun to get out with the kids and do something different.  It was a break in the same ol’ routine.

Well it has taken me way to long to get the post up.  It’s now Monday morning and I have been writing this since Thursday!  It just shows you that there is not enough time in the day to get everything done that I need to get done.  I have promised myself that I am not going to let the stress of waiting for the call from Dr Eshun get to me this week.  We’ll see how that goes!!

Can I tell you all how crazy we have been lately?!  It’s a good crazy, but crazy.  Jack randomly got a fever on Sunday which continued through the night so he didn’t go to school Monday.  By late afternoon Monday he was feeling better and he is totally back to normal as of today.  I have no clue why he had a fever and of course it is driving me nuts with the thoughts of why…but more about that later.  Today was a good day..I had a wonderful meeting about the Foundation and our actions about moving forward and it makes me really excited.  I love that we will be able to make a difference in the cancer world.  Jack will go back to school tomorrow and he is so excited.  He loves school.  Really, he loves it.  Nikki and I have our last dress fittings before her wedding and that is VERY exciting!!  Thursday Jack and I will be at PCH for the KTAR Radiothon so be sure to listen around noon to hear us!!  Anything we can do to support PCH, we will do it!  Again, Jack will be doing another urine test as well as a blood draw for his endocrinology appointment in October so hopefully all of that will go well.  Come Friday, our friends at Yogurtoloy in Glendale will be doing a fundraiser for the foundation!!  20% of all sales that day will go to the foundation!  How great is that?!  Thank you Angie for stepping up and wanting to help make a difference!!

Tonight I read Jack a book and held his hand as he fell asleep and of course said my prayers that I say ever night as I watch him sleep…”Dear God…thank you so very much for all that you have given me.  Thank you for my 2 wonderful boys and my husband.  Thank you for my family and friends.  Thank you so very much for helping us get through the hard times when Jack was going through treatment and if You have anything to do with Jack being cancer free now…I owe you an even bigger thank you.  Please, oh please, keep my kids healthy.  Please keep Jack cancer free and help us keep moving forward.  I cannot lose my child.  Please don’t ever let them go before me….please, please, please.  Also…say a big hello to my Grandpa and to Zac’s Mom…I know they are standing right there with you as I say these prayers…I know they have had a hand in all of this…tell them thanks too!!”  Honestly, this is what I say every night as I lay next to Jack and watch him fall asleep.

I wonder if other moms are like me…even non cancer moms.  I wonder if I am over paranoid now or if I am just a “normal” mom.  This is what I think on a daily basis…

Braden wakes up in the morning and is always happy and I go to pick him up and think “my gosh…how in the world is he so happy at this hour?  He must know more than me. So happy he is so happy because that is what I live for.  I can’t believe I missed out on so much of his life.  He was just an infant and now he is practically a toddler.  Where has the time gone?”

Jack wakes up and comes walking down the stairs and I think, “Oh, thank God he is here today…thank God he has made it so far.  Does his eye look funny?  No, I am sure it’s fine.  Oh wait…is he limping??  No, he can’t be.  Maybe his leg feel asleep while he was sleeping.  I know that happens to me.  No, he is walking fine.  I don’t know why I was thinking he was limping.”  Jack says, “mom, my tummy hurts”  I think, “oh no…is a tumor growing in his stomach?  I wonder if I press on his stomach if I will feel anything? I am sure he just has to go potty or else he just is saying that because he doesn’t want to eat all of his breakfast.”  Jack says, “hahaha, just kidding Mom!  I feel FINE!”  I think, “oh great…now he thinks its funny to make me worry!”

I could go on and on about how many different thoughts go through my head but I really think you might all think I am totally nuts.  I wonder if I will ever stop worrying.  I wonder if I will calm down just a tad…it would be nice, but I doubt it will happen and really, that’s ok.  I like to be a step ahead of the game so being worried is just making that come true more often, right?!

Here’s the thing…life will never be normal again and that’s ok.  I can’t go back and I have accepted that.  If I could, none of this would have happened to my kids.  I will forever be the mother that will be worried and will probably be the mom that walks Jack to the door of a friends house when he is 14 to make sure the mom is really home.  I am sure I will drive the boys nuts and they also applies to my husband, but it is what it is.  That is what I have learned…it is what it is and since I can’t change the past, I can work on making the future that much better.  I have said this quote before and I love it…”It matters not what road we take but rather what we become on the journey.”  I have become a super paranoid mom and I love it.  I have become a mom that will fight for my kids and my family until my last breath.  I have become a mom that knows what I want and I won’t settle for anything less.  Not so bad…

Well, hello!  It’s been a few days but that is not a bad thing!  Jack is back to his normal self and we really think that all he has now is some allergies which have been cleared up by a little medication.  He is feeling great and back to his old self.  On Friday I got a call from Dr Eshun and we talked for a long time about everything that is going on with us as a whole.  He told me that Jack is going to have a million fevers over his life and I just need to start getting used to it…easier said that done.  He knows that and totally understands.  He really believes that Jack is going to do so well and that is so encouraging.  He said that if we were comfortable he would just give us a call after scans in August to give us results instead of having to come in for an appointment and we are all for that.  We talked about Neuroblastoma as a whole and how the number of patients diagnosed has dramatically increased over the past couple of years.  If they only knew why…awareness, research, and funding.  Without those, we will never know.

So the plan is…this week we will be doing a urine test that we have to take down to PCH for results.  We will know of those by the end of the week or the first week in August.  We will be seeing Dr Eshun the week before scans for a check up and then labs will be drawn while Jack is asleep for scans.  We will be finding out soon what our schedule is for our “1 year post transplant” tests.  We thought life would slow down…not likely!

Over the past few days we have kept busy just by playing, running errands, swimming, and enjoying life.  We went to Hobby Lobby the other day because I am trying to figure out exactly how we want to display all of the beads Jack has collected with Beads of Courage.  Each time Jack went though anything…pokes, tests, hospital stays, clinic appointments, chemo, hair loss…anything he got a certain bead.  He has a ton.  We are trying to figure out how to display them in a way that he will be able to keep forever.  Off we went to the store and I started talking to a lady who works there about what I was wanting to do.  She helped me put it together and then as I was walking away she came towards me, as if we were long lost friends, and gave me a huge hug.  She said, “God bless you and your family and all you have been through.”  It put a smile on my face to know that total strangers care so much about my family.  She was so sweet and I know that she went home thinking of our family and how wonderful the boys are.  I will be going back this week to get more things and will be giving her one of Jack’s cards and let her know that her simple act of kindness reminded me how wonderful people are and that I will never lose hope that we will be able to bring more awareness to this disease.

Anyway, the boys are crazy wild after swimming today and I think it is more wild from being tired so off I go to read some books and put Braden (our little Monster) to bed.