First off, the pee sample transfer was a success. Scott joined me on my adventure to drop Jack off at school, get a sample in the parking lot (without the other parents thinking I was a total freak), and then taking it to PCH Mesa on ice. Fun times. Jack didn’t want to pee so that made it a bit difficult, but he did, barely. Jack want off to school and we made our way to PCH. I met the nurse that Dr Eshun would only allow me to hand the sample to, Sasha, and she confirmed that it would take about a week to get result. Ugghhh. Funny how totally nervous a VOLUNTARY urine sample test can make you. Really, a week? Do they not know I am totally neurotic and want to know results NOW? Zac is always very confident with all of Jack’s tests and scans and that makes me feel better, but there is always a “what if” in the back of my mind. Looking forward to Ehsun calling this week!
That was Thursday….Friday came and hit me as if I was punched in the stomach. This happens every now an then. All of the emotions from the past couple of years come flooding in and are pretty much uncontrollable. I woke up and my first reaction was, “Cancer. Really? Did Jack really have cancer? The big C. The awful disease that you only hear about with adults. Did Jack REALLY have that? Are we still in fear of it coming back? No way.” I pushed my negative thoughts, really all my thoughts, out of my head and got the kids ready for the day. Braden and I took Jackers to school and he was a bit hesitant to get out of the car today in the drop off. He gets like this at times when there is someone new. He is very shy with new adults and I get that. The male teacher helped him out of the car and Jack was a bit nervous out it. He looked at me and I told him to go ahead, have a great day, I love him very much, and I will see him when he gets out. The male teacher said, “Well, someones not a morning person is he.” I know he meant it with no harm at all. It was a total innocent comment and if I wasn’t over thinking, I would have laughed. Instead I just put on my fake smile and as I drove away I thought, “No idiot, he is shy because he has been through hell and happens to get a little nervous around new adults. I know you may think it’s not normal for a 5 year old to be so hessigant, but he is. Give him a break.” I know, totally over the top!
I came home with Braden and we got busy doing our normal playing and day to day activities and all the negative toughts started piling up. I just sat down and starrted to cry while Braden started buiding a train track. At that moment I got a text from Stacey asking if we wanted to BBQ that night…good timing. A minute later I got a text from Scott asking the same thing but he threw in a pretty funny joke at the end of it. About 10 mintues later, I got a call from Nikki because she had to run to the store and that meant she took a break from work so she wanted to say hi. They had no idea how I was feeling ( I eneded up telling Stacey) but I just thought it was funny that when I was feeling pretty low and that it is really hard to talk to anyone aobut it, my family starts ringing in. We decided that Saturday we were all doing go to up to an indoor carnival that was being put on by The Children’s Miracle Network for PCH and I am so glad that we did. We all piled in our car and off we went. It was fun to get out with the kids and do something different. It was a break in the same ol’ routine.
Well it has taken me way to long to get the post up. It’s now Monday morning and I have been writing this since Thursday! It just shows you that there is not enough time in the day to get everything done that I need to get done. I have promised myself that I am not going to let the stress of waiting for the call from Dr Eshun get to me this week. We’ll see how that goes!!